‎"Don't ask, don't tell, don't tell jokes, don't communicate, don't act like a dickhead, don't have fun, don't color outside the lines, don't piss anyone off, don't lie, don't be honest, don't listen, don't talk, don't fuck up." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

If you’re sneaky, you get to screw a lot of people before they find out.  This is what every banking CEO knows.  You just drive your Rolls Royce to the office, get online for an hour, make a decision that fucks a lot of folks out of their money, get back in your Rolls and drive back to the estate for a glass of wine before tending to the orchid collection.  And, for heaven’s sake, don’t say anything about being gay…especially to your trophy wife.

‎"No animals were harmed during the shooting of this film, except for the squirrel." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

The little bastard was rummaging around in my lunch.  I don’t have any problem punching a squirrel in the chops when it’s munching on my pastrami & swiss.  But, that’s not how the creep met his doom.  This was one of those nature flicks…you know, where the wildebeests are running down a New England street in the fall, the sound of their hooves muffled beneath the kaleidoscopic colors of fallen leaves.  As usual, this dumb-ass squirrel ran out in front of them and became “Squishy the Squirrel.”  Not my fault.  Sort of cool to watch, though.  The wildebeests didn’t even notice.

Gray Christmas

‎"Into every life a little rain must fall... and then a little sun shines, and then a tornado rips through, and then a lot more rain, and then some more sun, and possibly a minor earthquake hits, and some more rain comes down, followed by snow, and..." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

In other words, stop bitching!  In Hawaii, where I am writing this, I get nothing but 83 degrees, every damned boring monotonous day!  I’d give my left nut for a snowflake in my whiskey glass.  It’s a pain, getting up to drop more ice cubes into the snifter.

Aesthetic confusion

‎"If there really was a God, would I look like THIS?" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Have you ever seen a platypus?  WTF!  Can you imagine how cruel and confusing it must be to be one of those fucked up little animals?  God was, definitely, on drugs and probably listening to dub step crap, pounding the mud with her feet, whipping her hair around and trying to look sexy.

 

‎"There are 50 ways to leave your lover, and there are also 50 ways to get killed by your lover." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

In fact, the number of ways of getting killed by your lover has risen, dramatically, in recent years.  It’s now closer to 75 or 80, which has tilted the scales, somewhat, and helps explain why the world population blasted by 7 billion and Facebook addicts have risen by 437% since 2005 and Redtube movies are so damned long.

 

‎"A foot with no callous belongs on a razor clam." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

If you have never walked, barefoot, on a cold sidewalk in the rain, or through a light dusting of snow on the back porch, or across a thick field of grass, or on sun-warmed sand or the baked earth of a desert, you should be sautéed in garlic butter or deep-fried in rice flower, with a touch of cajun spice.

‎"If you are a child of the universe, how do you know who your father was?" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I met a hippy, once.  She was all into free love, music of the spheres, macramé, patchouli oil, sort of greasy hair, bare feet with chipped nails, really hairy armpits and equally hairy legs, you know the really thick, black, hair, eating bean curd stuff with garbanzo beans and alfalfa sprouts, milking cantankerous goats, yoga, transcendental meditation, homemade candles in sand pots and the Grateful Dead.  Once, she looked up at the moon and said, “How does it put out all that light?”  It was then that I realized she was not a child of the universe, and I never did meet her father.

"Science has proven that if you exercise, eat vegetables and meat and fruit, laugh, drink alcohol, read, have sex, develop social circles, listen to music, and otherwise be human, you may live longer than those who don't exercise, eat fast foods, have a bad attitude, drink too much alcohol and smoke, hate sex, live in a bubble, hate music and otherwise are social morons." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

On the other hand, you might get hit by space debris when you go outside to swat the dog.

 

‎"Never doubt yourself. Everything you do and say is correct for about one second." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, I said something that wasn’t correct.  This caused me acute anxiety for which I was prescribed Prozac by Michael Jackson’s physician.  After prolonged counseling sessions, under hypnosis, I gained new insights into my patterns of speech and how they did not always connect up with my brain, especially after a pint of Jack Daniels.  I learned, over time, that you can never take back the sounds that come out of your mouth, no matter how utterly insightful and wise they may be, but you can giggle or fart loudly or clear your throat and hack up a loogie, and the situation will be defused.

 

 

"A chicken on your head, is better than one in your pants." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And people think water boarding is torture!  Let me tell you!  Did you know about the spurs those little bastards have on the back of their legs?  Sort of like getting a vasectomy without the anesthetic.  I can’t remember when this happened to me, but the next morning was hell.

"Recycle paper and you get paper; recycle yourself and you get fertilizer." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Just when you think you are useful, this sudden realization dispels all notions of superiority.  But, upon deeper reflection, after a good juicy steak and a good toke, you recognize the fact that, without fertilizer, the trees that make that paper would not grow!  And I’m not talking Miracle Grow, here.  I’m talking about the basics of life, man!  I’m amazed at how hugely important I become when I adopt a correct state of mind.  You should try this.  Here…

 

 

‎"Close your eyes and concentrate on the rhythm and feel of your breathing. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

If you want to get in touch with your inner self, you can’t listen to babble.  Go to the desert, get naked, sit all day in one place and drink whiskey.  You will figure out the answers to a lot of bullshit that way.  Of course, I know I’m shooting myself in the literary ass by telling you this.  But, there…I just gave you the answer to everything and you can put this book next to the toilet, now.

‎"We would not be where we are today if the thing that happened, that caused the thing to happen, that made the next thing happen, that was that thing that happened, that made the other thing happen that, then, caused that other thing to happen, did not happen." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Sorry, just had to throw a mathematical problem out there.  Add each thing that happened (1+1+1+1+1+1 = 6), then multiply it by the thing that didn’t happen (0), and what do you get?  Some guy in front of a T.V., with another beer in his hand, surrounded by five other guys on the couch, with beers in their hands, watching a football game, and a really pissed off girlfriend/wife, at home.

 

 

 

‎"The ugly fruit smells like shit, no matter how you slice it." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

My god!  Have you ever sliced one those nasty things open?  If you want to try it, go to Chernobyl or Fukushima!  Only the genetic mutants who live there could stand the smell, much less eat the shit.  Thinking I had just purchased a delicate Asian fruit that might make my dick hard, I rushed home and sliced into the spiky, football-shaped, lump.  At first, I thought I had just farted.  Then, I thought someone in the room had filled their pants (I was the only one in the room).  Then, I thought the sewer line had broken and the house was soon going to be buried in three feet of effluence.  Then, I thought I’d cracked into the ancient Roman “Cloacae Maxima.”  I had to pick the damned thing up and toss it out the back door before I fainted.  This was no joke!  I was convinced, at that point, that the Southeast Asian farmers had finally figured out how to get back at us for years of napalming their plantations.  DO NOT -- repeat -- DO NOT purchase one of these evil things!  It took me about a week of boiling a pot of ammonia and lutefisk (look it up) to get rid of the smell.

‎"Whooptifuckindoo" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Shakespeare made up words, too.  This was one of mine, after I helped Al Gore invent the internet.  After all, a restless mind just never stops.  Steve Jobs once asked me to figure out a way to keep the coffee filter stack in his kitchen to keep from sticking together in the morning (you just need one, not three of the damned things!).  I’m working on it, in between making up words building the molecular transporter that will get my groceries from the car up into my third-story apartment.

‎‎"Feel good about yourself, every day, even when six billion other humans on the face of the planet think you are a waste of space." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Correction: seven billion.  But, for heaven’s sake, don’t let that get you down; they just don’t know you, yet.  Someday, you just might be the Pope, if you are from Eastern Europe.  Or, you could be the next Michael Jackson, after a bit of surgical touch-up.  Or, Keith Richards, after his untimely death after falling out of a flower pot, in about 2089.  Keep working on it.  After all, mirrors and bathroom scales and screams of absolute horror are not always accurate representations of reality.

 

‎"A woman is like a well in the desert; if you take care of her, she will nurture you forever." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

There were a few women in my life (now that I’m celibate and live, in lotus position, on top of a telephone pole) whom I, apparently, did not “take care of” very well.  Speaking of wells, did you know that you can lead a woman to a well, but you may not be able to push her in?  It’s true; I tried.  Did I mention I’m celibate?

"Expand your mind and you live; expand your brain and you die a very painful death." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Did you ever try to put an air compressor hose in one ear and pull the trigger?  If so, you’d know exactly what I’m talking about.  That shit really hurts!  On the other hand, if you read stuff like “The Onion,” “The New Yorker,” and “Penthouse,” your mind (which is this metaphysical, hypothetical, creepy thing) will expand in ill-defined ways, so that you don’t shit your pants and suck on your mother’s teats forever.

"And Jesus said unto him, and he was trampled unto death." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Stranger danger!  You always need to be careful about just who it is you are speaking to!  I, for example, would never speak to someone with long greasy hair, a ratty old robe and broken camel-skin sandals, unless of course the dude was selling some really good shit.  But, rule-of-thumb…just don’t speak to anyone named “Jesus” and you’ll be fine.

 

 

‎"Ask yourself this: Why should I listen to some fat dude who sits under the same tree, for years, and doesn't work?" -- Deepak, Jr

 

Oracles and prophets…blather, blather, blather.  It’s easy for some weirdo to look cool and deny himself sex and spout off drivel that others glom onto as worldly truth.  Then, there’s that hippy who declared, “I am the Way.”  It’s a lot more difficult to sit at a computer in your underwear, with a glass of wine, and do the same thing.  Who, in hell, would YOU listen to?

‎"Even though you flap your arms like a chicken, you will always be cow." --- Deepak, Jr.

 

One time, I tried to be a brain surgeon.  Didn’t work, at all.  There are things we are simply programmed to be and we can’t change that.  I was programmed to be a Grammy winner, a computer wizard billionaire, a Pulitzer prize winner, a world famous vocalist and an overall really great guy.  I’m sorry, as hard as I try I just can’t shake genetics.  Life is unfolding as it should, one stinkin’ rose petal at a time!  Which is to say I still have a great deal of blooming to do.  But, don’t we all?  No.

"Even the smallest voice in the crowd is never heard." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

The guy with the megaphone is not always the one who is heard.  I tend to tune the blowhard out and gravitate to the middle of the pack, where all the action is.  And, there amidst the good shit and the laughs and the tasty drinks, I can’t hear a damned thing because of hearing loss.  Is this MY fault?

‎"Listen to your heart. Then, listen to a screaming baby. Now, which is better?" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Don’t get me wrong, Deepak, Jr. just LOVES babies.  But, the little tykes don’t hold a decibel next to what my heart tells me to do.  That is really sort of odd, though, if you think about it.  My heart doesn’t have a mouth, and it’s really not very interesting in situations where social discourse is involved.  I can be seated across from a beautiful woman who is yakking on about how she lost the key to her Volkswagen “bug” and had to break into her car, and my heart really doesn’t say a thing.  So, overall, it’s pretty dull company.  But, set a screaming kid down next to me and my heart suddenly opens up.  It seems to come alive with emotion.  Then, I have to leave the room before I kill something.

‎"Gandhi hated Crispy Creme doughnuts." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Can you believe how skinny this dude was?  People wanted him to eat, but he refused. 
Sort of like some of those other sick fucks who think they are fat when they actually look like Mexican hairless dogs.  Listen, dudes…one light and fluffy doughnut will not make you look like Iz.  Lighten up.  I know, I know…Gandhi did this stunt to piss off the British, who couldn’t stand going past 3:00 p.m. without tea and crumpets, but let’s get real.  I’m going to start a store that takes Crispy Cremes, wraps them in bacon, and deep fries them to perfection.

 

‎"Sometimes a coffee bean is not a coffee bean." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

We all have standards.  Even you.  I have crushed a dried and roasted coffee bean and poured water over it.  This was a long and arduous process.  After much effort and anticipation, I tasted the magical tea of the bean.  Almost made me puke.  Turned out to be a peanut that had been on the kitchen counter WAY too long.  I had a great time, the night before this happened.  But, that one bean really screwed everything up.

"Egg on your face is better than one up your ass." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I had a friend, once, who went through a fraternity hazing during his freshman year of college.  The initiates had to strip, pick up a hard-boiled egg (peeled) with their ass cheeks, walk to the other side of the room, drop the egg, then eat it.  Think about this, next time you feel embarrassed by something you said, or did.

 

‎"DEET will not deter a hungry bear." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

It’s sort of a Roger Miller wisdom…you can’t roller skate in a herd of buffalo, or some such thing.  You must be prepared.  But, a jackknife will be no match for a hundred-foot Ponderosa pine.  Better to walk around with two .45’s, a sawed-off shotgun with a silencer, six grenades, a bottle of C4 and a cell phone and, just for kicks, a bottle of bleach.  After all, the U.S. Constitution allows us to do this shit.  Leave the DEET at home, dude.  Pack a flame thrower!

‎"On the trail of life, hike naked. You never know when you'll stumble upon a garage sale." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

It’s better to go light, leave a little room for statuettes of baby Jesus, or bobble heads of Newt Gingrich.  I always leave a little room in my suitcase when I travel.  But, hiking is another matter, because I don’t take a suitcase when I hike.  Here, in the strip club capital of the “Lower 48,” I can walk down the sidewalk naked, if I so choose, as long as I don’t look longingly, and with fervor, upon someone’s black velvet painting of a native girl with fruit in her hair.  It’s amazing what great deals you can get on skirts when you walk into a garage sale with nothing on.  Sometimes, people will actually give stuff away, for free!

 

‎"When you wake up in the morning, there are many things to think about." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Like how fluffy things might be.  One time I woke up and didn’t have a single thing to think about.  After I flushed the toilet, I started to make lists in my head that included things like, “I wonder how far the universe has expanded since I went to bed,” “How about that curling meet?” and “Have to get more toilet paper.”  It dawned on me that I had many things to think about.  Try this little experiment: (1) go to bed, (2) go to sleep, (3) wake up, and (4) start thinking.  You’ll be amazed at how effective this is.

 

"Aspire to the highest heights, then turn around and head back down." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I’ve climbed a bunch of mountains.  Whoop-ti-fuckin-do!  Some of them were, like, actual rocky things with a little place to stand on, at the top.  Some of them were things I made up, just to make my life miserable.  I went up (figuratively and literally) until I figured I couldn’t go any further.  Then, I turned around and went back.  Seems kind of stupid.  So, why should anyone “aspire” to get to these spots?  Because, if you don’t aspire to something, nothing ever happens.  Doing something stupid is better than doing nothing at all.

"Do not carry on your back what you may place upon another." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Don’t wear out your joints, they’re all you’ve got.  As every greedy bastard knows, you never want to do work that you can delegate to someone else.  “Delegate” …isn’t that just a wonderful word?  If you take it apart it means nothing: del - a - gate.  Put it all together and it gives you a perfect excuse to never do anything again.  But, once again, I digress.  There’s no reason to carry anything if someone else will do it for you.  They will die before you because you’ve treated your body like a temple and theirs like garbage.

"If you turn a plant upside down and plant it's leaves in the dirt, it will die." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

There is a lot of good shit that gets buried.  Just think about how many times some newspaper has run a story on a guy who tinkered around in his garage and created a carburetor that helps a car run for 100 miles on a gallon of gas.  Just think about how many times you’ve had an idea that might make you eligible for a Nobel Prize.  Ok…that’s a far fetch.  But, if you want you want to live, don’t put your head in the sand and try to breathe…won’t work.

 

‎"If you listen closely to your body, you will hear a lot of gas." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I just love it, in the morning, when I’m about to go down on my wife, and her lower intestines let out a long, slow, growl.  I know something’s gonna happen.  Listen, we fart and belch.  It’s a good thing.  Otherwise, we would be floating around like balloons.  Feed me beans, corn, rice, apples, potatoes, cheese, salami, crab, oats, milk, jello, cardboard…I don’t care, I’ll take your head off in the morning.

‎"Diamonds are worthless reflectors of light; friendships are priceless sources of light." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Next time someone conditions long-term sexual satisfaction on the purchase of a piece of volcanic glass, tell’em to go to South Africa and dig one up, themselves.

‎"Wipe it on your pants." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Pants are like napkins.  Without them, you’d be wiping shit on your legs.  That, of course, would be gross.  Most of us don’t need pants, or dresses, or skirts, or shorts.  Depends on the weather, of course.  But, on a hot summer day the only reason to wear anything is so we have something to wipe stuff on.  Just think if you were eating buffalo wings at your local bar and you had nothing but your naked thighs to wipe the excess sauce on!  Some people just don’t like to walk around town with streaks of sauce, mayonnaise, grease or other condiments spread across their bare legs.  Thus, pants.

"The best wine comes from destroyed fruit." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

One time, my college buddies and I picked a pickup truck bed load of marijuana out of a local dairy pasture and ferried it home, taking all of the back roads, fearing we would all go to prison at any moment.  The leaves were thick and green and beautiful.  We envisioned wealth, great parties and girls.  Tenderly, we strung up the stalks in an old abandoned barn, so that the sap would gravitate toward the heads.  When the shit was dry, a couple of weeks later, we lit up cigar-sized doobies and choked on Paraquat-laced organic debris for hours, without so much as a single giggle.  I’m not sure what this has to do with wine.  Just sayin’.

 

"It's all about eggs." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

It really doesn’t matter what you do in a day, or how much you accomplish in your life.  You can go to parties and eat lots of chocolate.  You can climb every bump on the face of the planet or dive into caves to look at blind fish.  You can invent phones that burn out brains and cause divorces.  You can feed birds, cut grass, pour concrete, pet dogs, throw empty bottles out of your car window, talk in a loud voice at inappropriate times, collect tomato soup cans…whatever.  Everything you think, do, taste, smell, touch, hear or care about -- it’s all about eggs.

 

‎"If lobsters were intended to rule the planet, we'd all have claws." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And this, my friends, is why I eat the little bastards.  They have been around for a few zillion years, so they have this superiority complex that just galls me.  Longevity is nothing if you have a brain the size of a neuron that goes from your eyes to your gonads.  There is a good reason why these tasty things have major booty.  I’ll eat one of those tails anyday.  Better than some women…oh, sorry, I digress.  If you had to flip away from your enemies and snap at them with vise grips, for 40 million years, you’d be tasty, too.

"There is nothing quite like a spam & cheese sandwich." --- Deepak, Jr.

 

So what if you can fix French cuisine, thin slices of black truffles on fennel and rice, lobster crepes, butterflied veal with brie and bacon, potatoes au gratin, sautéed brussel sprouts…puke, puke, puke.  It’s what fills the gut that matters.  And, if you’re looking at a corn boiler full of PBR’s, and the mud-wrestling competition is just about to start, on cable, and… you get the picture.  It’s about soul food, sex, filth, beating the dog outside the cave, pissing on the burning bush.

 

"Today is the first day of every other first day of the beginning of the first day of the rest of the first days of your first life." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Did you need someone to tell you that you are an absolute loser?  Isn’t it comforting to realize that you’ve wasted every damned day of your life and that you have an opportunity to start that destructive process all over again?  Just go to Gap, try on some pants that are too tight, and stare at yourself in the three-way mirrors.  Now, isn’t that fun?

‎"There is not enough room in the world for two hippopotamus bitches." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

You’ve seen them at Walmart.  You know what I’m talkin’ about.  This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco.  Have you seen their teeth?  Pretty fucking scary underbites, if you ask me.  There just isn’t anything more guaranteed to ruin an erection for life.  Thing that amazes me is that they just don’t seem to get it.  They are munching on pond vegetation, smackin’ their lips and their husbands and their little kids and their thighs.  There’s not a pair of running tights that would stretch that far.  And, talk about an ugly disposition!  Have you ever seen these things in the wild?  You smash that much flesh together and you could almost re-create Nagasaki.  Oh, yeah, I know; it’s all genetic.

 

‎"Going back to bed never makes the motel coffee taste better." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

You get those little fucking two-cup pots with a packet of some woody material inside of it that is billed as coffee.  You plug the pot in and fill it full of reinvented water that came out of the sewage plant down the street, and put the packet in the top, then push the little button at the bottom of the coffee maker.  A red light goes on.  You climb back into the bed and drift off, dreaming of Arabica beans in thick broth in street side cafes in Turkey.  You wake up, 15 minutes later, as the small water heater in the otherwise silent room gurgles the last drop of recycled piss into the two-cup pot, exhaling a last laborious puff of steam into the room.  You walk to the pot.  The color in it is suspicious; the odor is not quite what your nose was hoping for.  But…the allure of caffeine is like a magnet directed at the soul.  Against your better instincts, you pour the thin elixir into the Styrofoam container on the table.  It is sort of brown in color.  There is a hint of battery acid in the air.  Nevertheless, your trembling hands lift the cup to your lips.  The hot liquid flows down your throat, killing everything its path.  You smile.

"Popcorn was invented by the Devil." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

You can eat foie gras on toast, followed by escargot in garlic butter sauce, followed by prime rib (medium) with a delicate horseradish sauce, with sautéed asparagus and potatoes au gratin, followed by vanilla ice cream with fresh Marion berry sauce.  An hour later, you shovel down a two-gallon bowl full of buttered and salted popcorn!  What the hell is THAT all about?? 

 

 

 

‎"A stone in the desert is a testament to the stupidity of rocks." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Whenever I see a rock in the desert I think about how idiotic it is for rocks to walk all that way, with no hope in sight.  After all, it’s nothing but sand and blaring sun for, like, fucking miles!  What would cause a rock to just traipse out there and hang out?  Waiting for a native American to carve you into bits and stab you into an animal?  Is death what this is all about?  What if you don’t look like arrrowhead material?  I’m just baffled…

 

Dangerous Vegetables

"I refuse to bow down to the whims of potatoes." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Or any vegetable, tuber, root, berry, fruit or such thing.  I’ve had it with the insouciant nature of these inanimate pieces of shit!  They have no backbone!  No guts!  No personality!  You grab a potato and it’s like hanging onto a dry sea cucumber.  But, they are wily and can turn on you in a moment.  It’s always good to stand over them with a sharp knife.

Intimacy

‎"Take time to reconnect with your inner spleen." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

You don’t hear much about the spleen.  It’s like that next door neighbor with agoraphobia.  Doesn’t venture out of the driveway.  It’s a lonely little glob, somewhere inside your body.  It has feelings, though.  Wants to be like the liver or, better yet, the kidneys.  Sometimes, the “little people” need to feel like they are part of the fraternity.  Invite your spleen to the next party.  I don’t just mean, take the spleen along; I mean send out an Evite, on the internet!  Do the RSVP thing!  If your spleen signs up, you’ll have a kick ass time!

 

Winning!

‎"When you attain the seventh level of enlightenment, you will order a beer." -- Deepak, Jr.

Now, this is what I’m talkin’ about!  I am still struggling with the first level of enlightenment which, I believe, is centered in the groin.  Do they serve beer down here?  I’ll pay for it!  After blowing the wife and the house and all the debt, I have a clear conscience and a full check book and some killer credit!  I could even pay in unmatched socks!

The Answer to Mystery

‎"When your sock is lost in the dryer, just think that God works in mysterious ways." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I fully expect that, when I make it to paradise, after I kick this stupid gig on Earth, I will have plenty of socks to wear.  Thing is -- why would I ever have to wear socks?  My idea of the afterlife is a place where I can belly up to the bar, totally naked, and order a gallon of whiskey.  Then, after chugging it, I can order some more because it just tastes good and doesn’t make me sick.  Why would I need to find my lost socks?

 

It's What's Underneath

‎"A man wearing only tidy whities can always be trusted." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

After wandering through the desert of the white man, I can tell you that the less white you wear, the better.  When you get down to the basics, which is sort of like the asymptotic line on the graph of life, there gets to be little room for distrust.  It’s easy to cross that horizontal axis, however, and get stoned to death.

 

‎"When your life's calling shuts its mouth, go out and do your own calling." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

My life called me to run around naked in the woods.  I soon realized, however, that my father was not going to support me in that pursuit.  Neither was most of the rest of the planet.  Somewhere in my development, life shut it’s damned mouth and never spoke again.  I had to go out and stare at the clouds, like a turkey trying to catch raindrops in its open beak and trying not to drown.  This was fun, for awhile.  The danger was exhilarating.  But, like running through the woods naked, it did not net much in the way of food, shelter, financial security, booze, kinky underwear, universal adoration, or other essential stuff.  When I opened my mouth, the thin slit in my head, I finally had it all figured out.  After all, it’s always fun to listen to yourself, even if it’s bullshit.

 

Survival Tips

"If you stumble upon a burning bush in the desert, you have to pee, and there's no water around, you'll know what to do." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is a classic example of why the Ten Commandments do not work!  If you are employed by the Forest Service, you may be inclined to pee around the bush, to set up a perimeter, a “fire lane” as it is called.  On the other hand, if you get your kicks from the Bureau of Land Management (i.e., land, water and air raping) you piss on the thing, then build a dam.

 

The Dating Scene

‎"An ant on the desert is like a man at a party. Think about it." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

“Cock-blocking” is what it’s called.  You think you’re hittin’ it, with the open collar and tight pants and sleazy smile.  You scurry across the morally depraved wasteland, scrounging for crumbs with short skirts, and you walk away with scorched feet.

Damn the GPS!

"If you've climbed to the top of your mountain, you're on the wrong mountain." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

After awhile the stupid rocks all look the same, anyway.  You get to the top, you’re out of breath, you look around and say “wow” and head back down to the Jacuzzi.  Some people keep doing this, over and over and over.  Isn’t that the sign of insanity?

 

Ethics 101

"If you tell a lie to yourself, that's okay. No one heard it anyway." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Of course, why would you bother to go to such great lengths?  It’s much more fun to tell lies to people who actually hear them.  If you get really good at it, there’s no reason to ever tell a lie to yourself again.  In the meantime, keep them to yourself.

 

Leftovers

 

"When life hands you facial hair, make wigs." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This, of course, is something every woman needs to think about.  But, the lesson is broader than menopausal hormone changes.  I, for example, have had facial hair for quite some time.  I would like to say that I have contributed to the wig-making industry, but I really haven’t.  So, this is on my “To Do” list, which I make every Saturday morning, before heading out into the weekend consumer spree.  But, seriously, if all of the energy we humans wasted in cutting down the facial forest was diverted to the production of merkins and toupees, think of the savings in carbon, and the undeniable contribution to fashion!

 

Jesus hated dirt...

‎"People wonder if I'm truly messianic. I tell them I'm just a neat freak." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Jesus had dirty feet, Mohammad never washed his hair, and the Buddha sat in his own filth under a tree, for years.  Why these guys are on the radar screen is beyond comprehension.  I could be the Messiah; I don’t know.  I just like to have a fairly clean house, with a bit of a “lived in” feel to it.

 

Another damned liberal Democrat!

‎"Once it is labeled, it has lost its identity." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Did you ever buy something at the store that ended up being something other than what you wanted to buy?  Precisely!  It’s all because of labeling!  If you could just look at a carrot, for example, you would know that it was a carrot.  But, if some pot-addled produce labeler tells you it’s a loofah sponge, you are going to pay way more than you wanted to pay for what you thought was a carrot!  It’s a common trick.  One time, a police officer stopped me on the sidewalk and asked me if I went by the name “Spider.”  Go figure.

Jump and ask questions later

‎"When you are doubting your significance, just remember that you are made of the stuff of stars, which means that you are collection of atoms, almost the tiniest things in the universe." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This was not meant to make anyone feel good about themselves.  After all, get a grip!  You are a blip…no…a micro-blip on the late night television bug screen.  Now, once you come to terms with that little gem of knowledge (for which I have applied for a patent), you will know how to order your miserable life until the candle gets snuffed out, in the wind.  Having said that, I will agree that Marilyn Monroe was a nice collection of tiny atoms.

 

Sunday Cooking

"Life is just a bowl of jello." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

At first glance, this may appear to be a trite and somewhat inaccurate observation.  But, on deeper reflection, we must all realize that our lives can be boiled down at the local rendering plant until all that is left is a vat full of collagen, mixed with impurities.  Once the impurities are scraped off the top, all that is left is jello.  That doesn’t mean you can’t put some fun shit into the jello.

 

Confidence

‎"An eagle does not judge its purpose" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And rightfully so, I think.  After all, the damned scavenger almost lost out to the turkey.  It just needs to stand there and women flock to see the bastard.  Just goes to show that the most utilitarian birds are passed up while the grandstanders are rewarded because of their looks.  If I were an eagle, I’d stay clear of trying to judge anything.  Sometimes it’s better to keep your thoughts to yourself and just look pretty.

 

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Moses Got Nothin'

‎"When the wind blows, the water will part." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is why I can run so fast.  I can run through a rain storm and never get hit by a drop of water.  It’s because I generate this vortex in front of my body.  The physics are hard to explain, but I figure this is what happened when Moses hit the Red Sea.  How else could you explain such an idiotic fairy tale?  I practiced this phenomenon when I was very young.  It was difficult to impress people with the feat, however, because where I grew up we didn’t have much water to part.  I have found, however, that the older I get, the more water parts whenever I approach.  It’s a respect thing, I think.

 

Blinding With Science

‎"A snail is a reminder." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I don’t know where to begin.  A snail reminds me of so much.  How can you move so slow, for example, and reproduce so fast?  You get rid of one of the bastards and you get ten more!  But, then, the snail can also remind you of how inspirational chickens can be.  The last snail I saw reminded me of my mother.  See -- they can remind you of so much!

Flapping about

"A chicken in the tree is an inspiration." – Deepak

 

Think about it.  Boredom is no excuse for a chicken that has the initiative and inspiration to fly higher than a barbeque pit.  I admire those birds!  So many times, I’ve seen a chicken sitting in a tree (in my imagination) and have thought how inventive chickens are.  After all, contemplate the concept of “nuggets.”  What brilliant fowl came up with that idea?  If I were a chicken, I don’t think I’d ever thought of nuggets.

 

Sunday Outing

‎"Boredom is an excuse." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

How can one proclaim to be bored?  And, the broader question is, “why?”  If you can’t get off your lazy fat ass long enough to do something productive, you’ll always be bored, I guess.  If you’re bored, it’s because you want to be.  Period.

Off the high horse

"The view from the top tells one nothing about what is happening at the bottom." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is so true.  I have been on top of lots of things, and I’ve been so high up that I couldn’t even see what was going on, down below.  But then, maybe I really didn’t want to know.  The view, metaphorically speaking, is totally kick-ass, from the top.  I could see my whole future spread out in front of me.  It was like sitting at the end of one of those endless medieval tables, looking down rows of pheasant, yams, grapes, small unidentified mammals, figs, carrots, Hebrew National wieners and “double-cheese” mac & cheese.  When you have that in front of you, you really don’t give shit about what’s happening under the table, unless…(excuse me, lest I digress).  I can’t begin to tell you what it was like to not be at the top anymore.  I climbed down after realizing that it took too much energy to just sit on the head of a pin.  I’m not going to tell you what’s been happening at the bottom.

 

It's always Friday

"Friendship is like an unopened bottle of whiskey" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I’ve put some really bad shit in my system.  It’s a wonder the cylinders haven’t seized and blown.  But, whiskey…if you get a bottle that costs over $30, you’re probably going to have fun getting blotto.  And, that’s just like a good friendship.  Don’t blow your wad on crap; put a little extra into it and you’ll come out ahead, just like everything else in life.  Thing is, once you’ve opened the bottle, the gig is up.  All of the hope and delicious mystery and ridiculous expectation goes down the hatch and you’re left with a hangover.  Better to keep the cork in.

 

Empathy in the face of filth

"Never stomp on the little people. They are hard to scrape off the bottoms of your shoes." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is so basic that you would think someone would have thought of it first.  But, I’m afraid I must take credit for this little nugget, a statement I made while eating lobster thermidor on Rodeo Dr., in Los Angeles, watching the wannabe’s stroll by in their too-tight jeans and nice tight asses through my oversized sunglasses.  My shoes, purchased in Milan while on business, felt a bit odd as I was taking my first sip of Cristal, and when I glanced at the bottom of the water buffalo soles I was horrified to spot an undercooked scallop flattened against my foot, its mollusk essence permeating my shoe.  Ruined!  Little people are just like that.  They get in your way, they’re obnoxious and don’t smell good.  And, like undercooked scallops they can ruin the best of shoes.  You need to watch where you step on your way to the top.

 

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