Senior moments...

‎"On the shopping list of your life, don't forget the paper towels." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Back when I was sitting alone in the metaphysical and metaphorical desert, I longed for paper towels.  But, the damned things are like stamps.  It used to be that you could only buy stamps at a post office.  Now, they are sold at grocery stores, of all places.  This means you never get to know your local postmaster.  You can also purchase stamps online, for two or three times the price of the ones you get at the grocery store.  The thing about stamps and grocery stores is that there is no logical connection.  I don’t go to the store to mail my letters.  In fact, I hardly ever mail letters.  I just pay bills by mail, steadfastly refusing to broadcast my financial information across the globe, electronically.  So, I go in for a bottle of wine and some stamps.  I walk out with a bottle of wine.

Paper towels (or “towel paper,” as we call it in the Gobi desert) should not be in a grocery store.  I used to walk for miles, in my loin cloth, to the nearest oasis, for some imported yak milk and a couple of nuts and, almost always, a roll of paper towels.  Guess what!  I’d walk all the way back to my yoga mat and realize I’d forgotten the damned paper towels!  Is there anything more infuriating?  I THINK NOT!

Party fouls

‎"Don't need to take a shower; all I did all day was fart." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Sometimes people make more out of things than they should.  I was at a party, once, with a bunch of strangers and we got into this discussion about really ugly-sounding names.  With a glass of scotch in hand, I announced that “Gretchen” was reprehensible.  Chuckling at my astute observation, making retching sounds, I was addressed by a rather imposing woman with a sour look on her face.  “My name is Gretchen.”

It turns out that, on the road to enlightenment, it is wise to keep the subject of ugly-sounding names out of a social conversation.

 

It's about form...

"It is not where you do it, but how you do it." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, in my transcendental travels, I chanted the wrong mantra.  I was in the middle of a bamboo patch, in Eugene, Oregon, just a wadded towel distance from the nearest hot tub.  Just as I was getting into this deep trance, lying on my back, my feet raised in homage to Mercury (who had just finished up with Saturn), I was levitated and transported.  I found my car, next morning, after I posted bail.

Don't stop!

‎"This moment will never be like this one, or this one, or this one." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This, of course, could be a very happy thought, or a very sad one.  Generally, change should bring joy.  The absence of a pleasurable moment can add to the enjoyment in the next pleasurable moment unless, of course, it is your last pleasurable moment.  This is why every moment should be pleasurable, even when you are being fired from you job, after being diagnosed with cancer and finding that your house has burned to the ground with all of your belongings.  Even under those circumstances, take heart in knowing that the next moment will be different.

Patience

“Sometimes one must take control of a situation; other times, it's best to let the jello congeal at its own pace." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, Mahatma and I were hanging out under a tree.  He was hungry, so I said, “Hey, how about some jello?”  Hot jello is a really good drink on a cold night.  But, it’s difficult to keep the little pear cubes in place.  And, usually, jello is a summer thing and you want it cold, with vodka in it.  It never pays to stand there and blow on the stuff.  Unless you are “Mr. G.,” of course.  He sat there, in his underwear, and blew on his jello all day.  I couldn’t take it.  I had a gig to go to that night, so I took control of the situation and drank mine.  It was pretty good, but I left the fruit chunks at the bottom behind.  I never did hear whether my buddy ate his, before the British goons hauled him off.

 

Radiance

‎"At the boundary between solid and liquid there is either heat or cold. Be heat and your life will move in unbounded directions." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once I spilled hot grease on my leg.  I bounced around the room like the personification of the Heisenberg Principle: an object in motion can never occupy the same space twice (or something like that).  There was no boundary; I wasn’t even close to it.  The shit was hot!  The dog raised its head in utter bewilderment as I leaped over him and into the next room, a WTF look in his eyes.  What I’m talking about is that boundary between wanting to nice and wanting to be an asshole.  If you’re nice, you emanate positive electrons that warm those around you up.  No one likes to be cold, so the fact that you are a human heat lamp makes you a good thing to hang out with in bed.  If you’re an asshole, there ain’t nothin’ emanating from your body and you may as well be in a rock garden somewhere.

Small victories

‎"When you obtain your number, in line, at the DMV office, you will know your true worth." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And it really doesn’t matter which number you get stuck with; you are still scum of the earth, inconsequential, meaningless, just another rat waiting for its food pellet.  Do rich folk have private DMV offices?  Can they just walk in and up to the counter, leaving their limo running, outside?  Do they get a glass of wine while they’re waiting?  I’ve never seen a rich person in a DMV office.  Most of the folks look like they don’t even know how to comb their hair, much less drive a dangerous machine down the highway.  I was thinking about purchasing one of those “vanity” plates -- DMV SKS -- but didn’t think I could get it by the censors.  But, then, remembered who I am and what I stand for.  So, instead, I just stole some pencils.

Sensuous experience No. 8,753....

"The man who rolls naked in the snow can speak honestly of pain." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

But, don’t knock it until you try it.  After all, numbness to the experiences of life is possibly more harmful than temporary numbness in the superficial nervous system.  It’s sort of like feeling like Gulliver being stabbed by 10,000 Lilliputians, until they all get tired and go home.  Be sure the snow is deep, however, before trying this at home.  You never know what lies underneath.

Economics

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"If you bought something on sale, you still bought something." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is the Costco thing.  Walk into the place with an eco-friendly cloth bag, thinking you’re going to get a candy bar and a roll of toilet paper, and you walk out with a new watch, a stereo system, six bath towels, a box of frozen peas, and enough peanut butter to fill a bathtub.  “But, the price was so good!” you exclaim.  When I lived in a hut in the desert on the outskirts of the ancient city of Ur, I only ate as much grass as I needed, then returned to the same watering hole on the next day to consume the same amount of grass.  Once, some traveling salesman (or person, as the case may be) offered me some Dinty Moore beef stew in a large can.  Knowing that I could not possibly eat the whole thing in one sitting, I declined and offered the guy some grass.  After all you don’t save anything by buying ten things, at a $1.00 per item, when you only need to buy one thing at $9.99.  DUH!

Revenge

‎"Forgiveness is a euphemism for being a weenie." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

You hear these folks, on the evening news, talking about how they can forgive, but never forget.  Bullshit!  Anyone with an ounce of hormone never forgets.  I still remember the kid who threw an open tin can at my head and opened up my scalp, when I was three years old.  If I ever run into the bastard, I’ll slice him up.  That doesn’t mean I dwell on the inequities in life.  To the contrary, I have it better than most.  I’m pretty happy.  But, if you give me a bad time, I’ll give you a worse time.  Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two wrongs sure as hell even the playing field.

Let's Be Real

‎"Denying one's sexuality is like denying one's existence." - Deepak, Jr.

 

It seems that a great number of people are confused about sex and sexuality.

When I speak, look at things, process touch, listen to music…I do these things differently than anyone else.  My hormones are telling me how to react.  It’s chemical thing, sort of how I react to wasabi.  When I shake a hand, or smell the breeze, or process a woman’s laugh, I do it in the context of my sex.  I am a male animal.  I have no shame admitting that.  On a nude beach, for example, there is very little “sex” going on; there is a great deal of sexuality on display.  But, there is no difference, at all, in the boardrooms and hallways of any business on the face of this planet.  It is difficult to have sex if some part of the anatomy is not available for exploitation; it is not difficult, at all, to express sexuality in every aspect of one’s life.  I denied my sexuality, once, and fell asleep.

 

Try the impossible

‎"While it is now known that one cannot lick one's elbow, it is also known that some fool had to try it." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Any time someone tells you that “it” can’t be done, try it.  You might die, but at least you tried.  Most folks would say, “OK,” and keep on watching “Dancing With The Stars.”  And, most folks could do a polka if you gave them a six-pack of beer.  I’ve tried to do some things similar to licking an elbow.  I didn’t succeed, but had some great laughs.

 

Bird Brains

‎"On a frigid day, the hummingbird thinks only of sweetness." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

On other days, the damned bird only thinks of sex.  Have you seen these little rat terriers of the sky?  I feed them, thinking they may appreciate me.  WRONG!  But, there you go again; the relationship is all one about expectations.  Obviously, the hummingbirds outside my home think only about themselves.  They are the ones with expectations, and I sometimes wonder how much depression they might feel if I yanked the feeder.

 

Fish tale...

"A word is but a feeble attempt to describe a feeling." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Let’s just say you are trying to fly fish, along the Lochsa River.  You do this nice arc with the line, and you know it’s gonna land in the perfect hole, an eddy just above the huge stone in the middle of the current.  You let it fly, and the fucking hook rips the Eddie Bauer hat right off your bald head.  There is no word to describe the feeling.