It's all about marketing....

‎"Oprah gives away material goods; I give away wisdom. No one watches my show." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Hey!  I’m sorry if you think this shit is boring.  Not my problem.  I read books, too.  I could tell you what to read, just like Oprah.  What makes her the oracle?  Don’t, for a moment, think she reads every book someone sends to her.  If she did, she’d be back with me on the island.  (We had some great times!)  I’m just trying to tell you how to get the most out of your life; Oprah tells you that you just had a new SUV deposited in your driveway because you showed up to cheer for her.  Get this one thing straight -- I will NEVER give you a free trip to Liberia!  If that’s what you want, go hang around on Oprah’s doorstep.  But, if you want to learn how to GET…IT…ON, I’m your man.  (We’re working with producers…..)

Senior moments...

‎"On the shopping list of your life, don't forget the paper towels." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Back when I was sitting alone in the metaphysical and metaphorical desert, I longed for paper towels.  But, the damned things are like stamps.  It used to be that you could only buy stamps at a post office.  Now, they are sold at grocery stores, of all places.  This means you never get to know your local postmaster.  You can also purchase stamps online, for two or three times the price of the ones you get at the grocery store.  The thing about stamps and grocery stores is that there is no logical connection.  I don’t go to the store to mail my letters.  In fact, I hardly ever mail letters.  I just pay bills by mail, steadfastly refusing to broadcast my financial information across the globe, electronically.  So, I go in for a bottle of wine and some stamps.  I walk out with a bottle of wine.

Paper towels (or “towel paper,” as we call it in the Gobi desert) should not be in a grocery store.  I used to walk for miles, in my loin cloth, to the nearest oasis, for some imported yak milk and a couple of nuts and, almost always, a roll of paper towels.  Guess what!  I’d walk all the way back to my yoga mat and realize I’d forgotten the damned paper towels!  Is there anything more infuriating?  I THINK NOT!

Party fouls

‎"Don't need to take a shower; all I did all day was fart." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Sometimes people make more out of things than they should.  I was at a party, once, with a bunch of strangers and we got into this discussion about really ugly-sounding names.  With a glass of scotch in hand, I announced that “Gretchen” was reprehensible.  Chuckling at my astute observation, making retching sounds, I was addressed by a rather imposing woman with a sour look on her face.  “My name is Gretchen.”

It turns out that, on the road to enlightenment, it is wise to keep the subject of ugly-sounding names out of a social conversation.

 

It's about form...

"It is not where you do it, but how you do it." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, in my transcendental travels, I chanted the wrong mantra.  I was in the middle of a bamboo patch, in Eugene, Oregon, just a wadded towel distance from the nearest hot tub.  Just as I was getting into this deep trance, lying on my back, my feet raised in homage to Mercury (who had just finished up with Saturn), I was levitated and transported.  I found my car, next morning, after I posted bail.

Don't stop!

‎"This moment will never be like this one, or this one, or this one." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This, of course, could be a very happy thought, or a very sad one.  Generally, change should bring joy.  The absence of a pleasurable moment can add to the enjoyment in the next pleasurable moment unless, of course, it is your last pleasurable moment.  This is why every moment should be pleasurable, even when you are being fired from you job, after being diagnosed with cancer and finding that your house has burned to the ground with all of your belongings.  Even under those circumstances, take heart in knowing that the next moment will be different.

Patience

“Sometimes one must take control of a situation; other times, it's best to let the jello congeal at its own pace." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, Mahatma and I were hanging out under a tree.  He was hungry, so I said, “Hey, how about some jello?”  Hot jello is a really good drink on a cold night.  But, it’s difficult to keep the little pear cubes in place.  And, usually, jello is a summer thing and you want it cold, with vodka in it.  It never pays to stand there and blow on the stuff.  Unless you are “Mr. G.,” of course.  He sat there, in his underwear, and blew on his jello all day.  I couldn’t take it.  I had a gig to go to that night, so I took control of the situation and drank mine.  It was pretty good, but I left the fruit chunks at the bottom behind.  I never did hear whether my buddy ate his, before the British goons hauled him off.

 

Radiance

‎"At the boundary between solid and liquid there is either heat or cold. Be heat and your life will move in unbounded directions." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once I spilled hot grease on my leg.  I bounced around the room like the personification of the Heisenberg Principle: an object in motion can never occupy the same space twice (or something like that).  There was no boundary; I wasn’t even close to it.  The shit was hot!  The dog raised its head in utter bewilderment as I leaped over him and into the next room, a WTF look in his eyes.  What I’m talking about is that boundary between wanting to nice and wanting to be an asshole.  If you’re nice, you emanate positive electrons that warm those around you up.  No one likes to be cold, so the fact that you are a human heat lamp makes you a good thing to hang out with in bed.  If you’re an asshole, there ain’t nothin’ emanating from your body and you may as well be in a rock garden somewhere.