It's all about marketing....

‎"Oprah gives away material goods; I give away wisdom. No one watches my show." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Hey!  I’m sorry if you think this shit is boring.  Not my problem.  I read books, too.  I could tell you what to read, just like Oprah.  What makes her the oracle?  Don’t, for a moment, think she reads every book someone sends to her.  If she did, she’d be back with me on the island.  (We had some great times!)  I’m just trying to tell you how to get the most out of your life; Oprah tells you that you just had a new SUV deposited in your driveway because you showed up to cheer for her.  Get this one thing straight -- I will NEVER give you a free trip to Liberia!  If that’s what you want, go hang around on Oprah’s doorstep.  But, if you want to learn how to GET…IT…ON, I’m your man.  (We’re working with producers…..)

Senior moments...

‎"On the shopping list of your life, don't forget the paper towels." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Back when I was sitting alone in the metaphysical and metaphorical desert, I longed for paper towels.  But, the damned things are like stamps.  It used to be that you could only buy stamps at a post office.  Now, they are sold at grocery stores, of all places.  This means you never get to know your local postmaster.  You can also purchase stamps online, for two or three times the price of the ones you get at the grocery store.  The thing about stamps and grocery stores is that there is no logical connection.  I don’t go to the store to mail my letters.  In fact, I hardly ever mail letters.  I just pay bills by mail, steadfastly refusing to broadcast my financial information across the globe, electronically.  So, I go in for a bottle of wine and some stamps.  I walk out with a bottle of wine.

Paper towels (or “towel paper,” as we call it in the Gobi desert) should not be in a grocery store.  I used to walk for miles, in my loin cloth, to the nearest oasis, for some imported yak milk and a couple of nuts and, almost always, a roll of paper towels.  Guess what!  I’d walk all the way back to my yoga mat and realize I’d forgotten the damned paper towels!  Is there anything more infuriating?  I THINK NOT!

Party fouls

‎"Don't need to take a shower; all I did all day was fart." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Sometimes people make more out of things than they should.  I was at a party, once, with a bunch of strangers and we got into this discussion about really ugly-sounding names.  With a glass of scotch in hand, I announced that “Gretchen” was reprehensible.  Chuckling at my astute observation, making retching sounds, I was addressed by a rather imposing woman with a sour look on her face.  “My name is Gretchen.”

It turns out that, on the road to enlightenment, it is wise to keep the subject of ugly-sounding names out of a social conversation.

 

It's about form...

"It is not where you do it, but how you do it." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, in my transcendental travels, I chanted the wrong mantra.  I was in the middle of a bamboo patch, in Eugene, Oregon, just a wadded towel distance from the nearest hot tub.  Just as I was getting into this deep trance, lying on my back, my feet raised in homage to Mercury (who had just finished up with Saturn), I was levitated and transported.  I found my car, next morning, after I posted bail.

Don't stop!

‎"This moment will never be like this one, or this one, or this one." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This, of course, could be a very happy thought, or a very sad one.  Generally, change should bring joy.  The absence of a pleasurable moment can add to the enjoyment in the next pleasurable moment unless, of course, it is your last pleasurable moment.  This is why every moment should be pleasurable, even when you are being fired from you job, after being diagnosed with cancer and finding that your house has burned to the ground with all of your belongings.  Even under those circumstances, take heart in knowing that the next moment will be different.

Patience

“Sometimes one must take control of a situation; other times, it's best to let the jello congeal at its own pace." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, Mahatma and I were hanging out under a tree.  He was hungry, so I said, “Hey, how about some jello?”  Hot jello is a really good drink on a cold night.  But, it’s difficult to keep the little pear cubes in place.  And, usually, jello is a summer thing and you want it cold, with vodka in it.  It never pays to stand there and blow on the stuff.  Unless you are “Mr. G.,” of course.  He sat there, in his underwear, and blew on his jello all day.  I couldn’t take it.  I had a gig to go to that night, so I took control of the situation and drank mine.  It was pretty good, but I left the fruit chunks at the bottom behind.  I never did hear whether my buddy ate his, before the British goons hauled him off.

 

Radiance

‎"At the boundary between solid and liquid there is either heat or cold. Be heat and your life will move in unbounded directions." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once I spilled hot grease on my leg.  I bounced around the room like the personification of the Heisenberg Principle: an object in motion can never occupy the same space twice (or something like that).  There was no boundary; I wasn’t even close to it.  The shit was hot!  The dog raised its head in utter bewilderment as I leaped over him and into the next room, a WTF look in his eyes.  What I’m talking about is that boundary between wanting to nice and wanting to be an asshole.  If you’re nice, you emanate positive electrons that warm those around you up.  No one likes to be cold, so the fact that you are a human heat lamp makes you a good thing to hang out with in bed.  If you’re an asshole, there ain’t nothin’ emanating from your body and you may as well be in a rock garden somewhere.

Small victories

‎"When you obtain your number, in line, at the DMV office, you will know your true worth." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And it really doesn’t matter which number you get stuck with; you are still scum of the earth, inconsequential, meaningless, just another rat waiting for its food pellet.  Do rich folk have private DMV offices?  Can they just walk in and up to the counter, leaving their limo running, outside?  Do they get a glass of wine while they’re waiting?  I’ve never seen a rich person in a DMV office.  Most of the folks look like they don’t even know how to comb their hair, much less drive a dangerous machine down the highway.  I was thinking about purchasing one of those “vanity” plates -- DMV SKS -- but didn’t think I could get it by the censors.  But, then, remembered who I am and what I stand for.  So, instead, I just stole some pencils.

Sensuous experience No. 8,753....

"The man who rolls naked in the snow can speak honestly of pain." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

But, don’t knock it until you try it.  After all, numbness to the experiences of life is possibly more harmful than temporary numbness in the superficial nervous system.  It’s sort of like feeling like Gulliver being stabbed by 10,000 Lilliputians, until they all get tired and go home.  Be sure the snow is deep, however, before trying this at home.  You never know what lies underneath.

Economics

‎

"If you bought something on sale, you still bought something." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is the Costco thing.  Walk into the place with an eco-friendly cloth bag, thinking you’re going to get a candy bar and a roll of toilet paper, and you walk out with a new watch, a stereo system, six bath towels, a box of frozen peas, and enough peanut butter to fill a bathtub.  “But, the price was so good!” you exclaim.  When I lived in a hut in the desert on the outskirts of the ancient city of Ur, I only ate as much grass as I needed, then returned to the same watering hole on the next day to consume the same amount of grass.  Once, some traveling salesman (or person, as the case may be) offered me some Dinty Moore beef stew in a large can.  Knowing that I could not possibly eat the whole thing in one sitting, I declined and offered the guy some grass.  After all you don’t save anything by buying ten things, at a $1.00 per item, when you only need to buy one thing at $9.99.  DUH!

Revenge

‎"Forgiveness is a euphemism for being a weenie." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

You hear these folks, on the evening news, talking about how they can forgive, but never forget.  Bullshit!  Anyone with an ounce of hormone never forgets.  I still remember the kid who threw an open tin can at my head and opened up my scalp, when I was three years old.  If I ever run into the bastard, I’ll slice him up.  That doesn’t mean I dwell on the inequities in life.  To the contrary, I have it better than most.  I’m pretty happy.  But, if you give me a bad time, I’ll give you a worse time.  Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two wrongs sure as hell even the playing field.

Let's Be Real

‎"Denying one's sexuality is like denying one's existence." - Deepak, Jr.

 

It seems that a great number of people are confused about sex and sexuality.

When I speak, look at things, process touch, listen to music…I do these things differently than anyone else.  My hormones are telling me how to react.  It’s chemical thing, sort of how I react to wasabi.  When I shake a hand, or smell the breeze, or process a woman’s laugh, I do it in the context of my sex.  I am a male animal.  I have no shame admitting that.  On a nude beach, for example, there is very little “sex” going on; there is a great deal of sexuality on display.  But, there is no difference, at all, in the boardrooms and hallways of any business on the face of this planet.  It is difficult to have sex if some part of the anatomy is not available for exploitation; it is not difficult, at all, to express sexuality in every aspect of one’s life.  I denied my sexuality, once, and fell asleep.

 

Try the impossible

‎"While it is now known that one cannot lick one's elbow, it is also known that some fool had to try it." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Any time someone tells you that “it” can’t be done, try it.  You might die, but at least you tried.  Most folks would say, “OK,” and keep on watching “Dancing With The Stars.”  And, most folks could do a polka if you gave them a six-pack of beer.  I’ve tried to do some things similar to licking an elbow.  I didn’t succeed, but had some great laughs.

 

Bird Brains

‎"On a frigid day, the hummingbird thinks only of sweetness." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

On other days, the damned bird only thinks of sex.  Have you seen these little rat terriers of the sky?  I feed them, thinking they may appreciate me.  WRONG!  But, there you go again; the relationship is all one about expectations.  Obviously, the hummingbirds outside my home think only about themselves.  They are the ones with expectations, and I sometimes wonder how much depression they might feel if I yanked the feeder.

 

Fish tale...

"A word is but a feeble attempt to describe a feeling." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Let’s just say you are trying to fly fish, along the Lochsa River.  You do this nice arc with the line, and you know it’s gonna land in the perfect hole, an eddy just above the huge stone in the middle of the current.  You let it fly, and the fucking hook rips the Eddie Bauer hat right off your bald head.  There is no word to describe the feeling.

‎"A true warrior is one who can lay down the sword and forgive." -- Deepak, Jr.

 I, being Deepak, try to avoid the word “hate.”  There are few instances when this word truly describes what is being felt.  The person who goes to war, for love or money or country or religious belief, is off to change a limited number of things.  The vast number of other things, in that person’s life, do not need changing.  Once the point is made, it is made.  I once over-cooked a five-gallon pot of oyster stew.  No…that’s a poor analogy.  Let me think.

Oh yeah…I once….  Oh, never mind.  I don’t think I was ever a warrior.  I have no clue about what those folks think.  I was, after all, ready to run to Canada.

Grease fix

‎"Lie naked on the earth, feel it breathe, and smell the delicate fragrance of life. Then, go have a double cheeseburger, with bacon, and you will be human again." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

It’s good to feel from whence you came, and to revel in the experience of getting touch with your earth.  After all, without this precious ball upon which we live, there would be no double cheeseburgers, with bacon.  We don’t even know if there are micro-organisms on Mars or the moons of Jupiter.  One should take the time to reconnect with the basics.  Then, one should take the time to disconnect, so that the value of connection is not taken for granted and abused.  For example, I once ate some tofu.

Eating what you think...

‎"If you didn't ask for it, it doesn't count." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, I was at a restaurant, and the waitress brought me a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s “Schweddy Balls.”  I didn’t ask for it.  She just plopped it on the table and walked away.  There was a sexy girl at the bar and I imagined that this was her pick-up line.  Turns out, that was all wrong.  She walked out of the place, seconds later, with another sexy girl.  I ate the balls by myself.  I’m not sure where I’m going with this but, somehow, the whole experience didn’t count because I didn’t ask for it.  I didn’t put a notch in my gun, and the weight I gained was chalked up to lethargy.

Expectations...

"Depression is borne out of disappointment. If you have no expectations, you have no disappointment. Do not expect; make." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This, I offer to my friends who may be unhappy or discontented in their relationships with other humans.  I have seen a number of them struggle.  I have struggled.  But, after bouncing off the walls for a couple of months, I decided that the root of my psychic unease was that I had expected something that did not come to fruition.  The deep well of disappointment into which I fell was overwhelming, but on reflection, nothing more than a shallow mud puddle.  Do not expect something from someone.  Even if you are hanging, upside-down in your car, bleeding from multiple body parts, and gasoline is leaking into your eyes, do not expect anyone to come to your assistance.  If you cannot take care of yourself, then so be it; if no one saves you, then so be it.  Do not expect it.  Then, when what you have not expected does not happen, you will not be disappointed or depressed.  You may be dead, but that’s another matter.

Warning!

"One angry hornet can stop an army." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

My mother once stood on the back porch of the house and fired a shotgun over someone who was fishing in the backyard.  No one ever fished in the perfect trout hole, in the creek that ran through our property, again.

Desert dreaming....

‎"True happiness can only be found on a secluded beach with a naked woman." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

The smell of seaweed and rotten fish; the constant, irritating, roar of the surf: the gnawing fear of shark bites and jellyfish tentacles, the oceanic hurricane winds; the grit of sand in your eyes; the sudden itch of a sand flea bite; the unrelenting heat of an unshielded sun -- there, now stay away from my beach, dammit!

 

‎"Oops! I forgot the banana bread!" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Usually, I forget the stamps.  Seriously, I don’t know where my mind goes after, about 10:00 a.m.  But, I am Deepak, Jr., so I search for my mind because other people rely upon it for guidance.  I have had to look under the bed, at times.  One time, I forgot about the cat.  She was still barely alive, ten days later, in the bottom drawer of my dresser.  You do that once, and you don’t forget again.  But, banana bread?  I forgot what it was I wanted to say about banana bread.

 

‎"The wind, rushing about the earth, will tell you nothing if you don't clean your ears." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Someday, listen to the wind.  It is the breath of a living planet.  It sort of stinks.  There is, however, a faint odor of garlic.  But…that is not the point.  The point is that cerumen is nasty.  Let’s see a little personal hygiene, folks!  If your nose if full of boogers, blow it!  If your throat is full of phlegm, hack one up!  If your ears are full of wax, clean the shit out!  We have a limited number of holes in our bodies; we need to keep them clean.  Otherwise, you will not be able to listen to your favorite politician trying to explain his affair, twenty years ago, with a cow.

 

‎"Along the road to success, watch out for free range cattle." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, I was on the road to success.  I was next in line to become CEO of a major (herein, unidentified) organic beet farm.  I was waiting for the old fart who started the company to die of pesticide poisoning.  It was so slow in coming.  The old guy wouldn’t kick it.  He just kept playing golf, drinking great wine and eating stuffed sole.  One day, I was driving up the mile-long driveway to the headquarters.  Fall was in the air and golden aspen leaves were flying like a flock of bats through the slanted sunlight (I could have used this as an excuse).  There he was, the bastard, finishing up his 12-mile morning run.  He was on the right side of the road.  (Everyone with half a brain knows that you’re supposed to run on the left side of the road).  I swerved to run over the guy and, at the last second, his prize bull stepped into the road.  We ate steaks that night.  Then, I was fired.

"When you do not feel like accomplishing something, reinvent the definition of accomplishment." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Make a list, someday, of all of the positive things you have done.  For example: “I told that little girl with the red pigtails that she looked just like Pippi Longstocking.”  If you add up all of the positive things you have done and weigh them against all of the crappy things you have done (for example: “I fed my step mother butter until she got fat”), you will be amazed at how much you have accomplished in your life.  So what if you still live in a trailer?

‎"A worm underfoot, provides no comfort." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

If you don’t believe me, just try this barefooted, once!  I was trying to develop a new shoe liner.  Worms just couldn’t cut it.  They don’t make much noise, which was a plus, but they sort of slid around so I couldn’t really concentrate the cushioning properties of their guts on the pressure points that really mattered.  It was all a matter of engineering and physics.  I decided, instead, to bump it up to banana slugs.  Now, those mothers are awesome, underfoot!

 

‎

‎"A birthday is a day of celebration and mourning, and an excuse for everything in between." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

You were born, and you will die (or at least become something not recognizable to your relatives).  In between, you get to fuck up as much as you want.  If you think about every action you have taken since your slimy ass came into this world, it’s mind-boggling!  If a butterfly flapping it’s wings in the Himalayan mountains can cause a hurricane in Cuba, then you’ve done a helluva lot of damage.

Live!

‎"Do not waste your life looking for answers; enrich your life looking for questions." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I, for example, begin each day with a question.  “Where am I?”  This usually leads to a bunch of other enriching questions like, “How did I get here?” and “Who the hell are you?”  The answers to these questions are so illuminating!  If I don’t get any answers to questions as simple as these, I go on searching.  “What if the universe really is expanding?”  “Why don’t you hear much about heart cancer?”  “Why is the ocean salty?”  Things of this nature occupy my mind and cause me to fry oysters, drink whiskey, eat expensive cheese and have more mindless and unending sex, thus adding value to my daily existence.

 

‎"A fresh roll of toilet paper is fraught with adventure." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

We’re all like that, you know  -- just rolls of blank paper, waiting to be smeared across someone else’s ass.  It happens, over and over, until we begin to sense a pattern.  Until then, however, every wipe is precious and certainly not boring.  Take corn-on-the-cob, for example.

 

‎"You may get back what you give, you may not. Be yourself and expect nothing." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

If you think you’re going to get paid for everything you do, you’re in for some major disappointment.  I used to pick pieces of paper off the floor, thinking that someone would say, “thank you.”  Never happened; I just kept picking things off the floor.  You know what?  I can still bend over and touch my toes!

‎"Take care of your feet and your stomach; everything else will be just fine." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once I was stranded in the Australian outback.  I had a pint of whiskey and a piece of cardboard left over from my hitchhiker sign.  On one side it said, “Student to Melbourne”; on the other side it said, “Fuck you.”  Suddenly, it dawned on me that I was at a party, surrounded by naked women, and they all loved my cargo pants with the zillion pockets.  I reached into one of them and pulled out a mint condition LP of “Hot Rocks.”  This was great, until I realized I was about to fall out of the 42^nd floor of some building in Dubai.  I strapped the cardboard on my feet and jumped, guzzling the whiskey on the way down.  When I woke up, I felt great!

"A penis has two biological functions and an infinite number of household uses." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

For example, I can use mine as an antenna, a hummingbird feeder, a doggy treat, a candle wick, a cooking utensil…the applications are endless.

 

"The Book of Love was written in a month; a life of love is written every day." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I don’t mean to get serious, here, but if you learn one thing from this book, it is this.  It is only when the garden is neglected that the weeds take over and the hard work starts.  If you never put oil in the engine, it burns up.  If you don’t whitewash the fence, the wood rots.  Write a sentence of love, every day, and it will be with you forever.

 

"The farmer who plants a new crop will learn new things." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

When the corn starts wilting, plant soybeans.  Then, you get to deal with a whole new universe of pest control.  It’s exciting, really.  You get to step out on the back porch, in the rising sun, a steaming cup of coffee in hand, and look out over acres of warfare.  You adjust your John Deere hat, gaze upon the enemy with a steely eye, then stride out into the unknown.

‎"The pebble is as hard as the mountain." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And you can do a great deal more damage with a pebble.  David would have had a helluva time throwing a mountain at Goliath.  So, don’t underestimate the little things.  You would think this would be intuitive, but look at all of the pickup trucks on the highways, with over-sized knobby tires, miles from a mud puddle.  Evidently, some folks need a mountain in their pants to prove a point.

 

‎

‎"The pebble is as hard as the mountain." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And you can do a great deal more damage with a pebble.  David would have had a helluva time throwing a mountain at Goliath.  So, don’t underestimate the little things.  You would think this would be intuitive, but look at all of the pickup trucks on the highways, with over-sized knobby tires, miles from a mud puddle.  Evidently, some folks need a mountain in their pants to prove a point.

 

‎

Wierd Science

‎"A belief is a boundary to creativity." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I used to believe that the earth was round.  That seriously limited my creativity.  If you can just walk and walk and walk, and come around to where you started, how limiting is that?  In essence, you never get anywhere.  It was only after I realized that we live on a flat plane that my mind was set free.  I could run my mind in all directions and never come back!  It was an exhilarating feeling, knowing that, if I was shot out of a gun, I might smash into a wall or drop off into a land of beasts.  My mind went wild with possibilities!  I was liberated, as you shall be.

 

‎"You will never be remembered for how much you make, only for how much you spend." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I’m working on this.  I spend a great deal of my paycheck on (standard, daily, grocery list) sports drink, meat of some sort, broccoli, and wine.  I also spend a large chunk of my monthly earnings on gas and credit card debt.  I’m struggling to figure out how to make this spending spree into something of a legacy.  When I die, will I be remembered for how many cartons of eggs I bought?  Or how many cups of coffee I bought at Starbucks?  I try to spend more on things like public broadcasting and desert protection, but I don’t think my level of philanthropy will result in much more than a comma in someone’s elegy (assuming there will be one).  But, on the flip side, I won’t be remembered for how much money I earned, either.  In short, like me, you are probably doomed to obscurity unless, of course, you can start your own reality T.V. show, or get your dog to do something really disgusting on YouTube, or marry Kim Kardashian and, then, divorce her plastic ass within the month.

 

‎"A day of terrible golf is better than being skinned alive in a pit of hot oil." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And I have the pictures to prove it!  Although, in all honesty, I’ve never been skinned alive in a pit of hot oil.  But…just imagine how it must feel to be one golf stroke away from a personal best and you fuck it up because you did not realize how much the grass on the green had grown since 6:00 a.m., and how hard the wind was blowing from the west, and how humid the air was, and how much your eyeballs had dried out since the night before, and how much the earth’s revolution had been slowed by the earthquake in Indonesia, and how the sun’s solar flares had set off electrical interference with your range-finder.  Just think!  If you miss that last shot, you can still return for more of the same bullshit.

 

"I refuse to take shit from a bowl of pizza dough." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

There are a lot of things that might cause you to miss your ship to the land of bliss.  How about dropping your keys, while you’re trying to find the one that opens the front door…and you really have to take a leak?  How about the handle on the paper bag ripping off, making your bottle of wine nothing more than a stain on the sidewalk?  How about trying to turn the page of a book and you can’t get hold of the page until you slobber on your fingers?  How about flipping coffee grounds all over the floor, in the morning, when you are trying to pull the filter out of the coffee maker?  I don’t know about you, but I’m not putting up with this conspiracy, orchestrated by inanimate objects, anymore!