"Popcorn was invented by the Devil." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

You can eat foie gras on toast, followed by escargot in garlic butter sauce, followed by prime rib (medium) with a delicate horseradish sauce, with sautéed asparagus and potatoes au gratin, followed by vanilla ice cream with fresh Marion berry sauce.  An hour later, you shovel down a two-gallon bowl full of buttered and salted popcorn!  What the hell is THAT all about?? 

 

 

 

‎"A stone in the desert is a testament to the stupidity of rocks." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Whenever I see a rock in the desert I think about how idiotic it is for rocks to walk all that way, with no hope in sight.  After all, it’s nothing but sand and blaring sun for, like, fucking miles!  What would cause a rock to just traipse out there and hang out?  Waiting for a native American to carve you into bits and stab you into an animal?  Is death what this is all about?  What if you don’t look like arrrowhead material?  I’m just baffled…

 

Dangerous Vegetables

"I refuse to bow down to the whims of potatoes." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Or any vegetable, tuber, root, berry, fruit or such thing.  I’ve had it with the insouciant nature of these inanimate pieces of shit!  They have no backbone!  No guts!  No personality!  You grab a potato and it’s like hanging onto a dry sea cucumber.  But, they are wily and can turn on you in a moment.  It’s always good to stand over them with a sharp knife.

Intimacy

‎"Take time to reconnect with your inner spleen." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

You don’t hear much about the spleen.  It’s like that next door neighbor with agoraphobia.  Doesn’t venture out of the driveway.  It’s a lonely little glob, somewhere inside your body.  It has feelings, though.  Wants to be like the liver or, better yet, the kidneys.  Sometimes, the “little people” need to feel like they are part of the fraternity.  Invite your spleen to the next party.  I don’t just mean, take the spleen along; I mean send out an Evite, on the internet!  Do the RSVP thing!  If your spleen signs up, you’ll have a kick ass time!

 

Winning!

‎"When you attain the seventh level of enlightenment, you will order a beer." -- Deepak, Jr.

Now, this is what I’m talkin’ about!  I am still struggling with the first level of enlightenment which, I believe, is centered in the groin.  Do they serve beer down here?  I’ll pay for it!  After blowing the wife and the house and all the debt, I have a clear conscience and a full check book and some killer credit!  I could even pay in unmatched socks!

The Answer to Mystery

‎"When your sock is lost in the dryer, just think that God works in mysterious ways." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I fully expect that, when I make it to paradise, after I kick this stupid gig on Earth, I will have plenty of socks to wear.  Thing is -- why would I ever have to wear socks?  My idea of the afterlife is a place where I can belly up to the bar, totally naked, and order a gallon of whiskey.  Then, after chugging it, I can order some more because it just tastes good and doesn’t make me sick.  Why would I need to find my lost socks?

 

It's What's Underneath

‎"A man wearing only tidy whities can always be trusted." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

After wandering through the desert of the white man, I can tell you that the less white you wear, the better.  When you get down to the basics, which is sort of like the asymptotic line on the graph of life, there gets to be little room for distrust.  It’s easy to cross that horizontal axis, however, and get stoned to death.

 

‎"When your life's calling shuts its mouth, go out and do your own calling." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

My life called me to run around naked in the woods.  I soon realized, however, that my father was not going to support me in that pursuit.  Neither was most of the rest of the planet.  Somewhere in my development, life shut it’s damned mouth and never spoke again.  I had to go out and stare at the clouds, like a turkey trying to catch raindrops in its open beak and trying not to drown.  This was fun, for awhile.  The danger was exhilarating.  But, like running through the woods naked, it did not net much in the way of food, shelter, financial security, booze, kinky underwear, universal adoration, or other essential stuff.  When I opened my mouth, the thin slit in my head, I finally had it all figured out.  After all, it’s always fun to listen to yourself, even if it’s bullshit.

 

Survival Tips

"If you stumble upon a burning bush in the desert, you have to pee, and there's no water around, you'll know what to do." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is a classic example of why the Ten Commandments do not work!  If you are employed by the Forest Service, you may be inclined to pee around the bush, to set up a perimeter, a “fire lane” as it is called.  On the other hand, if you get your kicks from the Bureau of Land Management (i.e., land, water and air raping) you piss on the thing, then build a dam.

 

The Dating Scene

‎"An ant on the desert is like a man at a party. Think about it." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

“Cock-blocking” is what it’s called.  You think you’re hittin’ it, with the open collar and tight pants and sleazy smile.  You scurry across the morally depraved wasteland, scrounging for crumbs with short skirts, and you walk away with scorched feet.

Damn the GPS!

"If you've climbed to the top of your mountain, you're on the wrong mountain." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

After awhile the stupid rocks all look the same, anyway.  You get to the top, you’re out of breath, you look around and say “wow” and head back down to the Jacuzzi.  Some people keep doing this, over and over and over.  Isn’t that the sign of insanity?

 

Ethics 101

"If you tell a lie to yourself, that's okay. No one heard it anyway." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Of course, why would you bother to go to such great lengths?  It’s much more fun to tell lies to people who actually hear them.  If you get really good at it, there’s no reason to ever tell a lie to yourself again.  In the meantime, keep them to yourself.

 

Leftovers

 

"When life hands you facial hair, make wigs." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This, of course, is something every woman needs to think about.  But, the lesson is broader than menopausal hormone changes.  I, for example, have had facial hair for quite some time.  I would like to say that I have contributed to the wig-making industry, but I really haven’t.  So, this is on my “To Do” list, which I make every Saturday morning, before heading out into the weekend consumer spree.  But, seriously, if all of the energy we humans wasted in cutting down the facial forest was diverted to the production of merkins and toupees, think of the savings in carbon, and the undeniable contribution to fashion!

 

Jesus hated dirt...

‎"People wonder if I'm truly messianic. I tell them I'm just a neat freak." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Jesus had dirty feet, Mohammad never washed his hair, and the Buddha sat in his own filth under a tree, for years.  Why these guys are on the radar screen is beyond comprehension.  I could be the Messiah; I don’t know.  I just like to have a fairly clean house, with a bit of a “lived in” feel to it.

 

Another damned liberal Democrat!

‎"Once it is labeled, it has lost its identity." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Did you ever buy something at the store that ended up being something other than what you wanted to buy?  Precisely!  It’s all because of labeling!  If you could just look at a carrot, for example, you would know that it was a carrot.  But, if some pot-addled produce labeler tells you it’s a loofah sponge, you are going to pay way more than you wanted to pay for what you thought was a carrot!  It’s a common trick.  One time, a police officer stopped me on the sidewalk and asked me if I went by the name “Spider.”  Go figure.

Jump and ask questions later

‎"When you are doubting your significance, just remember that you are made of the stuff of stars, which means that you are collection of atoms, almost the tiniest things in the universe." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This was not meant to make anyone feel good about themselves.  After all, get a grip!  You are a blip…no…a micro-blip on the late night television bug screen.  Now, once you come to terms with that little gem of knowledge (for which I have applied for a patent), you will know how to order your miserable life until the candle gets snuffed out, in the wind.  Having said that, I will agree that Marilyn Monroe was a nice collection of tiny atoms.

 

Sunday Cooking

"Life is just a bowl of jello." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

At first glance, this may appear to be a trite and somewhat inaccurate observation.  But, on deeper reflection, we must all realize that our lives can be boiled down at the local rendering plant until all that is left is a vat full of collagen, mixed with impurities.  Once the impurities are scraped off the top, all that is left is jello.  That doesn’t mean you can’t put some fun shit into the jello.

 

Confidence

‎"An eagle does not judge its purpose" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And rightfully so, I think.  After all, the damned scavenger almost lost out to the turkey.  It just needs to stand there and women flock to see the bastard.  Just goes to show that the most utilitarian birds are passed up while the grandstanders are rewarded because of their looks.  If I were an eagle, I’d stay clear of trying to judge anything.  Sometimes it’s better to keep your thoughts to yourself and just look pretty.

 

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Moses Got Nothin'

‎"When the wind blows, the water will part." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is why I can run so fast.  I can run through a rain storm and never get hit by a drop of water.  It’s because I generate this vortex in front of my body.  The physics are hard to explain, but I figure this is what happened when Moses hit the Red Sea.  How else could you explain such an idiotic fairy tale?  I practiced this phenomenon when I was very young.  It was difficult to impress people with the feat, however, because where I grew up we didn’t have much water to part.  I have found, however, that the older I get, the more water parts whenever I approach.  It’s a respect thing, I think.

 

Blinding With Science

‎"A snail is a reminder." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I don’t know where to begin.  A snail reminds me of so much.  How can you move so slow, for example, and reproduce so fast?  You get rid of one of the bastards and you get ten more!  But, then, the snail can also remind you of how inspirational chickens can be.  The last snail I saw reminded me of my mother.  See -- they can remind you of so much!

Flapping about

"A chicken in the tree is an inspiration." – Deepak

 

Think about it.  Boredom is no excuse for a chicken that has the initiative and inspiration to fly higher than a barbeque pit.  I admire those birds!  So many times, I’ve seen a chicken sitting in a tree (in my imagination) and have thought how inventive chickens are.  After all, contemplate the concept of “nuggets.”  What brilliant fowl came up with that idea?  If I were a chicken, I don’t think I’d ever thought of nuggets.

 

Sunday Outing

‎"Boredom is an excuse." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

How can one proclaim to be bored?  And, the broader question is, “why?”  If you can’t get off your lazy fat ass long enough to do something productive, you’ll always be bored, I guess.  If you’re bored, it’s because you want to be.  Period.

Off the high horse

"The view from the top tells one nothing about what is happening at the bottom." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is so true.  I have been on top of lots of things, and I’ve been so high up that I couldn’t even see what was going on, down below.  But then, maybe I really didn’t want to know.  The view, metaphorically speaking, is totally kick-ass, from the top.  I could see my whole future spread out in front of me.  It was like sitting at the end of one of those endless medieval tables, looking down rows of pheasant, yams, grapes, small unidentified mammals, figs, carrots, Hebrew National wieners and “double-cheese” mac & cheese.  When you have that in front of you, you really don’t give shit about what’s happening under the table, unless…(excuse me, lest I digress).  I can’t begin to tell you what it was like to not be at the top anymore.  I climbed down after realizing that it took too much energy to just sit on the head of a pin.  I’m not going to tell you what’s been happening at the bottom.

 

It's always Friday

"Friendship is like an unopened bottle of whiskey" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I’ve put some really bad shit in my system.  It’s a wonder the cylinders haven’t seized and blown.  But, whiskey…if you get a bottle that costs over $30, you’re probably going to have fun getting blotto.  And, that’s just like a good friendship.  Don’t blow your wad on crap; put a little extra into it and you’ll come out ahead, just like everything else in life.  Thing is, once you’ve opened the bottle, the gig is up.  All of the hope and delicious mystery and ridiculous expectation goes down the hatch and you’re left with a hangover.  Better to keep the cork in.

 

Empathy in the face of filth

"Never stomp on the little people. They are hard to scrape off the bottoms of your shoes." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

This is so basic that you would think someone would have thought of it first.  But, I’m afraid I must take credit for this little nugget, a statement I made while eating lobster thermidor on Rodeo Dr., in Los Angeles, watching the wannabe’s stroll by in their too-tight jeans and nice tight asses through my oversized sunglasses.  My shoes, purchased in Milan while on business, felt a bit odd as I was taking my first sip of Cristal, and when I glanced at the bottom of the water buffalo soles I was horrified to spot an undercooked scallop flattened against my foot, its mollusk essence permeating my shoe.  Ruined!  Little people are just like that.  They get in your way, they’re obnoxious and don’t smell good.  And, like undercooked scallops they can ruin the best of shoes.  You need to watch where you step on your way to the top.

 

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