‎"Don't ask, don't tell, don't tell jokes, don't communicate, don't act like a dickhead, don't have fun, don't color outside the lines, don't piss anyone off, don't lie, don't be honest, don't listen, don't talk, don't fuck up." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

If you’re sneaky, you get to screw a lot of people before they find out.  This is what every banking CEO knows.  You just drive your Rolls Royce to the office, get online for an hour, make a decision that fucks a lot of folks out of their money, get back in your Rolls and drive back to the estate for a glass of wine before tending to the orchid collection.  And, for heaven’s sake, don’t say anything about being gay…especially to your trophy wife.

‎"No animals were harmed during the shooting of this film, except for the squirrel." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

The little bastard was rummaging around in my lunch.  I don’t have any problem punching a squirrel in the chops when it’s munching on my pastrami & swiss.  But, that’s not how the creep met his doom.  This was one of those nature flicks…you know, where the wildebeests are running down a New England street in the fall, the sound of their hooves muffled beneath the kaleidoscopic colors of fallen leaves.  As usual, this dumb-ass squirrel ran out in front of them and became “Squishy the Squirrel.”  Not my fault.  Sort of cool to watch, though.  The wildebeests didn’t even notice.

Gray Christmas

‎"Into every life a little rain must fall... and then a little sun shines, and then a tornado rips through, and then a lot more rain, and then some more sun, and possibly a minor earthquake hits, and some more rain comes down, followed by snow, and..." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

In other words, stop bitching!  In Hawaii, where I am writing this, I get nothing but 83 degrees, every damned boring monotonous day!  I’d give my left nut for a snowflake in my whiskey glass.  It’s a pain, getting up to drop more ice cubes into the snifter.

Aesthetic confusion

‎"If there really was a God, would I look like THIS?" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Have you ever seen a platypus?  WTF!  Can you imagine how cruel and confusing it must be to be one of those fucked up little animals?  God was, definitely, on drugs and probably listening to dub step crap, pounding the mud with her feet, whipping her hair around and trying to look sexy.

 

‎"There are 50 ways to leave your lover, and there are also 50 ways to get killed by your lover." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

In fact, the number of ways of getting killed by your lover has risen, dramatically, in recent years.  It’s now closer to 75 or 80, which has tilted the scales, somewhat, and helps explain why the world population blasted by 7 billion and Facebook addicts have risen by 437% since 2005 and Redtube movies are so damned long.

 

‎"A foot with no callous belongs on a razor clam." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

If you have never walked, barefoot, on a cold sidewalk in the rain, or through a light dusting of snow on the back porch, or across a thick field of grass, or on sun-warmed sand or the baked earth of a desert, you should be sautéed in garlic butter or deep-fried in rice flower, with a touch of cajun spice.

‎"If you are a child of the universe, how do you know who your father was?" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

I met a hippy, once.  She was all into free love, music of the spheres, macramé, patchouli oil, sort of greasy hair, bare feet with chipped nails, really hairy armpits and equally hairy legs, you know the really thick, black, hair, eating bean curd stuff with garbanzo beans and alfalfa sprouts, milking cantankerous goats, yoga, transcendental meditation, homemade candles in sand pots and the Grateful Dead.  Once, she looked up at the moon and said, “How does it put out all that light?”  It was then that I realized she was not a child of the universe, and I never did meet her father.

"Science has proven that if you exercise, eat vegetables and meat and fruit, laugh, drink alcohol, read, have sex, develop social circles, listen to music, and otherwise be human, you may live longer than those who don't exercise, eat fast foods, have a bad attitude, drink too much alcohol and smoke, hate sex, live in a bubble, hate music and otherwise are social morons." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

On the other hand, you might get hit by space debris when you go outside to swat the dog.

 

‎"Never doubt yourself. Everything you do and say is correct for about one second." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Once, I said something that wasn’t correct.  This caused me acute anxiety for which I was prescribed Prozac by Michael Jackson’s physician.  After prolonged counseling sessions, under hypnosis, I gained new insights into my patterns of speech and how they did not always connect up with my brain, especially after a pint of Jack Daniels.  I learned, over time, that you can never take back the sounds that come out of your mouth, no matter how utterly insightful and wise they may be, but you can giggle or fart loudly or clear your throat and hack up a loogie, and the situation will be defused.

 

 

"A chicken on your head, is better than one in your pants." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

And people think water boarding is torture!  Let me tell you!  Did you know about the spurs those little bastards have on the back of their legs?  Sort of like getting a vasectomy without the anesthetic.  I can’t remember when this happened to me, but the next morning was hell.

"Recycle paper and you get paper; recycle yourself and you get fertilizer." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Just when you think you are useful, this sudden realization dispels all notions of superiority.  But, upon deeper reflection, after a good juicy steak and a good toke, you recognize the fact that, without fertilizer, the trees that make that paper would not grow!  And I’m not talking Miracle Grow, here.  I’m talking about the basics of life, man!  I’m amazed at how hugely important I become when I adopt a correct state of mind.  You should try this.  Here…

 

 

‎"Close your eyes and concentrate on the rhythm and feel of your breathing. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

If you want to get in touch with your inner self, you can’t listen to babble.  Go to the desert, get naked, sit all day in one place and drink whiskey.  You will figure out the answers to a lot of bullshit that way.  Of course, I know I’m shooting myself in the literary ass by telling you this.  But, there…I just gave you the answer to everything and you can put this book next to the toilet, now.

‎"We would not be where we are today if the thing that happened, that caused the thing to happen, that made the next thing happen, that was that thing that happened, that made the other thing happen that, then, caused that other thing to happen, did not happen." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Sorry, just had to throw a mathematical problem out there.  Add each thing that happened (1+1+1+1+1+1 = 6), then multiply it by the thing that didn’t happen (0), and what do you get?  Some guy in front of a T.V., with another beer in his hand, surrounded by five other guys on the couch, with beers in their hands, watching a football game, and a really pissed off girlfriend/wife, at home.

 

 

 

‎"The ugly fruit smells like shit, no matter how you slice it." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

My god!  Have you ever sliced one those nasty things open?  If you want to try it, go to Chernobyl or Fukushima!  Only the genetic mutants who live there could stand the smell, much less eat the shit.  Thinking I had just purchased a delicate Asian fruit that might make my dick hard, I rushed home and sliced into the spiky, football-shaped, lump.  At first, I thought I had just farted.  Then, I thought someone in the room had filled their pants (I was the only one in the room).  Then, I thought the sewer line had broken and the house was soon going to be buried in three feet of effluence.  Then, I thought I’d cracked into the ancient Roman “Cloacae Maxima.”  I had to pick the damned thing up and toss it out the back door before I fainted.  This was no joke!  I was convinced, at that point, that the Southeast Asian farmers had finally figured out how to get back at us for years of napalming their plantations.  DO NOT -- repeat -- DO NOT purchase one of these evil things!  It took me about a week of boiling a pot of ammonia and lutefisk (look it up) to get rid of the smell.

‎"Whooptifuckindoo" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Shakespeare made up words, too.  This was one of mine, after I helped Al Gore invent the internet.  After all, a restless mind just never stops.  Steve Jobs once asked me to figure out a way to keep the coffee filter stack in his kitchen to keep from sticking together in the morning (you just need one, not three of the damned things!).  I’m working on it, in between making up words building the molecular transporter that will get my groceries from the car up into my third-story apartment.

‎‎"Feel good about yourself, every day, even when six billion other humans on the face of the planet think you are a waste of space." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Correction: seven billion.  But, for heaven’s sake, don’t let that get you down; they just don’t know you, yet.  Someday, you just might be the Pope, if you are from Eastern Europe.  Or, you could be the next Michael Jackson, after a bit of surgical touch-up.  Or, Keith Richards, after his untimely death after falling out of a flower pot, in about 2089.  Keep working on it.  After all, mirrors and bathroom scales and screams of absolute horror are not always accurate representations of reality.

 

‎"A woman is like a well in the desert; if you take care of her, she will nurture you forever." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

There were a few women in my life (now that I’m celibate and live, in lotus position, on top of a telephone pole) whom I, apparently, did not “take care of” very well.  Speaking of wells, did you know that you can lead a woman to a well, but you may not be able to push her in?  It’s true; I tried.  Did I mention I’m celibate?

"Expand your mind and you live; expand your brain and you die a very painful death." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Did you ever try to put an air compressor hose in one ear and pull the trigger?  If so, you’d know exactly what I’m talking about.  That shit really hurts!  On the other hand, if you read stuff like “The Onion,” “The New Yorker,” and “Penthouse,” your mind (which is this metaphysical, hypothetical, creepy thing) will expand in ill-defined ways, so that you don’t shit your pants and suck on your mother’s teats forever.

"And Jesus said unto him, and he was trampled unto death." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Stranger danger!  You always need to be careful about just who it is you are speaking to!  I, for example, would never speak to someone with long greasy hair, a ratty old robe and broken camel-skin sandals, unless of course the dude was selling some really good shit.  But, rule-of-thumb…just don’t speak to anyone named “Jesus” and you’ll be fine.

 

 

‎"Ask yourself this: Why should I listen to some fat dude who sits under the same tree, for years, and doesn't work?" -- Deepak, Jr

 

Oracles and prophets…blather, blather, blather.  It’s easy for some weirdo to look cool and deny himself sex and spout off drivel that others glom onto as worldly truth.  Then, there’s that hippy who declared, “I am the Way.”  It’s a lot more difficult to sit at a computer in your underwear, with a glass of wine, and do the same thing.  Who, in hell, would YOU listen to?

‎"Even though you flap your arms like a chicken, you will always be cow." --- Deepak, Jr.

 

One time, I tried to be a brain surgeon.  Didn’t work, at all.  There are things we are simply programmed to be and we can’t change that.  I was programmed to be a Grammy winner, a computer wizard billionaire, a Pulitzer prize winner, a world famous vocalist and an overall really great guy.  I’m sorry, as hard as I try I just can’t shake genetics.  Life is unfolding as it should, one stinkin’ rose petal at a time!  Which is to say I still have a great deal of blooming to do.  But, don’t we all?  No.

"Even the smallest voice in the crowd is never heard." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

The guy with the megaphone is not always the one who is heard.  I tend to tune the blowhard out and gravitate to the middle of the pack, where all the action is.  And, there amidst the good shit and the laughs and the tasty drinks, I can’t hear a damned thing because of hearing loss.  Is this MY fault?

‎"Listen to your heart. Then, listen to a screaming baby. Now, which is better?" -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Don’t get me wrong, Deepak, Jr. just LOVES babies.  But, the little tykes don’t hold a decibel next to what my heart tells me to do.  That is really sort of odd, though, if you think about it.  My heart doesn’t have a mouth, and it’s really not very interesting in situations where social discourse is involved.  I can be seated across from a beautiful woman who is yakking on about how she lost the key to her Volkswagen “bug” and had to break into her car, and my heart really doesn’t say a thing.  So, overall, it’s pretty dull company.  But, set a screaming kid down next to me and my heart suddenly opens up.  It seems to come alive with emotion.  Then, I have to leave the room before I kill something.

‎"Gandhi hated Crispy Creme doughnuts." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

Can you believe how skinny this dude was?  People wanted him to eat, but he refused. 
Sort of like some of those other sick fucks who think they are fat when they actually look like Mexican hairless dogs.  Listen, dudes…one light and fluffy doughnut will not make you look like Iz.  Lighten up.  I know, I know…Gandhi did this stunt to piss off the British, who couldn’t stand going past 3:00 p.m. without tea and crumpets, but let’s get real.  I’m going to start a store that takes Crispy Cremes, wraps them in bacon, and deep fries them to perfection.

 

‎"Sometimes a coffee bean is not a coffee bean." -- Deepak, Jr.

 

We all have standards.  Even you.  I have crushed a dried and roasted coffee bean and poured water over it.  This was a long and arduous process.  After much effort and anticipation, I tasted the magical tea of the bean.  Almost made me puke.  Turned out to be a peanut that had been on the kitchen counter WAY too long.  I had a great time, the night before this happened.  But, that one bean really screwed everything up.